As a man of certainty, I believe it best to discard irreparable things. Over the past two years, I have been taught by a certain someone to be loyal and dependent over matters, where the barrel of death stared at both of our faces.
I have a mindset, now, that says for me to never attempt to change the unchangeable. It is a mindset that tells me to repair what has been broken by my own hands. Responsibility is, therefore, under my command. But, can I foresee everything bound to occur? Fear would be my closest ally, should I continually believe some impending disaster about to happen along my road through life.
To never repair what is broken beyond repair, is the most painful and numbing thing I have had to do.
What is a man, besides just a man, and never a King, nor an Emperor, when all he can fix is the most trivial things of no importance? Emotions, for a man, are buried deep, and focused. Opposite from a woman, where her emotions are brushed across the landscape, adding various colors like little decorations she adores to spread, my emotions are concentrated.
I am not anyone good, as a man, without my ability to repair.
A certain woman, a beloved, I once had, attempted suicide by the guilt of our ended relationship. Her brokenness, since it was something physical, could not be repaired by me. I am not Christ, so I cannot perform miracles.
I have saved this woman’s life more than once, only for her health problems to gain the better of our relationship.
Ripped from me, was the love I held for her. I cannot look upon her, without seeing a lifeless figure, distorted in my view. I cannot see her as a human being. I can no longer see someone who I once loved. I planned marriage. I planned children. I planned an eternity.
I have faced Death with her, and I spat in Death’s face. I have shown perseverance more than I ever knew I possessed of that valuable trait.
I am left with an emptiness and a searing pain, in my heart.
Though, I do not forsake love. And, I do not curse, nor blame, God.
I cannot repair this, and though my anger churns and boils, aimed at nothing, I must possess this mindset, forever. To be a man of certainty, a man of clarity, and a man who must know that he cannot fix the unfixable, no matter how hard it is to let go.