Personal Post – “How I Found my Way out of Darkness/Depression” – 8/7/2020

This entire blog is dedicated towards my only true love I’ve ever had. 1,000+ poems are written in her name. She was the only thing that ever counted towards me being “complete”.

When the love left my heart, I grew mad. Mad… as in, I grew insane. This was no ordinary break-up. It was like losing my soulmate. People have “break-ups” spontaneously, and get over the loss, the next day. When I watched the film “Good Will Hunting”, I remember the park scene, when Robin Williams said to Matt Damon, “You don’t know about real loss. That only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.” Sacrifice, of all things material, is like stamping out insects that you do not need, in your home. All I protected, all I felt was precious, was her. Nothing distracted me from what was most beautiful.

It is why I feel contempt towards others who don’t know, or even shun, these feelings. They feel more cause towards the materialistic, the free, the reasoning of themselves out of imagined chains they call “slavery”. The world desires choice, though no one desires love.

As I’ve always seen it, and as I believe everyone should see it, love follows nothing about choice, about freedom, about reason. It is about the responsibility of where you are, because you have landed there, and now must build a home.

The dark state I was in, I felt free, though I felt lost. In love, I was confined, imprisoned, embraced in arms I did not want to tear away from. I was united with my other half. She was it.

Is freedom something we have, outside of love? I have questioned this, for a long time. People feel free, though they reject others. People feel free, though they love themselves. People feel free, though they trust no one else, but themselves. They find themselves to be most reliable. In my mind, this breeds cowardice.

I’ve only lived for twenty-four years, and already, I despise a world that embraces pride for the sake of the self, and for the sake of who one is. Has a person figured out how to believe in themselves, on their own? Or, do they deceive others in telling that, because they are too ashamed to admit someone else showed them the way?

The darkness and depression I fell though was urging me on towards suicide. I was wrapped in the darkness. Adolescents embrace the gothic or emo lifestyles. It is never a pleasure, to be wrapped in that much self-loathing. It is a downwards spiral. Hatred traps your mind, and you can barely breathe while you are trying to sleep.

My love ended by a neurological problem. This is all I will say on that. There are hundreds of neurological diagnoses. This one, in particular, would have created a miserable marriage for the both of us.

I have decided, as an antidote for what has buried my mind in sadness, to return to college and be a Neurologist.

Out of all that darkness, this decision has been a freedom away from freedom.

No one should enjoy their independence outside of true love. Because, once they have found it, and soon as they lose it, all that is left is suffering.

Love blesses, though also curses, the one who falls into it, head-on. It is blindness, when true. No one has any control.

However, she is not my only motivation, for I have 3 more.

  1. One of my grandmothers have died, because of Alzheimer’s Disease.
  2. My other grandmother has been diagnosed with Dementia.
  3. My own father died, while paralyzed.

All this trauma is the motivation for my mind to have been brought in the clear. To be a Neurologist is now my goal. I will work towards it, though I know the toil will be exerting me. What else is left, then? If not this, then I am back to the suffering.

“Life is a one-way road,” as they say. I have chosen my destination.